Turning the Gaslight Off

What is gaslighting and how do we manage it? You may have noticed the term “gaslighting” showing up more and more on social media and the news recently. Oxford dictionary defines gaslighting as “to manipulate someone into questioning their own sanity or perception.” The term’s origin can be traced to the 1938 thriller work “Gaslight” by British playwright Patrick Hamilton, in which an abusive husband convinces his wife that she has gone mad for his own personal gain. Gaslighting is usually attempted by those we are closest to, which can make both identifying and managing the situation complex. However, despite the complicated nature of this phenomenon, it is possible for us to develop the skills to both notice and address gaslighting behaviors. Below are six patterns which may indicate someone’s attempt to gaslight and manipulate you for their own personal agenda:

  1. Consistently Being Talked Down To

Noticing that the same person tends to speak to you in a disrespectful manner, undermine you, or point out flaws that others do not.

  1. Craving Increased Approval from Others

Finding yourself needing the approval of someone who seems to set extraordinarily high standards, noticing that compliments from others feel more difficult to accept, feeling as though you are simply not enough when these feelings were once not present. Our social media culture can also temporarily fill this approval void; although satiation is not possible under the gaslighting current. 

  1. Decreased Self-Confidence

Finding it more difficult to trust in your own judgment, decipher right from wrong, or experiencing a sense of feeling “lost” or anxiety on a regular basis. 

  1. Apologizing for Behaviors

A pattern of having to apologize to the same individual over and over again, when other people in your life seem to have no issue with the same behavior or even question why you are apologizing in the first place.

  1. Having Perceived Personal Shortcomings Exploited

Having someone who knows what makes you self-conscious bring up those insecurities regularly in conversation. 

  1. Disinterest in Validating Your Feelings

When someone close to you is reluctant to hear your perspective, regularly dismisses your feelings as incorrect perceptions, or becomes angry when you try to engage in a healthy dialogue about your emotions.

Managing Gaslighting

Like most areas of self-growth, the first step is simply noticing that an issue is present. Once you have been able to identify some of the signs, it’s time to navigate how best to address the individual who is potentially trying to gaslight you. 

In situations of potential gaslighting, it is important to separate feelings from facts, although both are certainly very important. Consider keeping a journal or file on your phone where you can briefly log both the facts (I.E. what specifically was said or alleged in a conversation) and the feelings you experienced during the interaction. Gaslighting is a habitual pattern; by logging down some of these interactions it will allow greater clarity of both isolated incidents and the bigger picture at play. 

Once you feel that you have noticed a true pattern, consider sharing some of this with a trusted friend, partner, or family member. Ask this person to be honest and straightforward with you and do your best to share openly both the facts and feelings that you have recorded. If you have identified gaslighting behaviors you will likely notice a different pattern… that everyone else who you trust seems to think the polar opposite of what you are being told by the gaslighter! 

Once you have identified facts, feelings, and patterns and have gotten feedback from trusted others, it’s time to self-advocate. Confronting the gaslighting problem head on is not only important for your own self-worth, but you may be surprised to find that the individual who has been projecting this pattern onto you is genuinely not even aware of it.

Having a deeper understanding of why people engage in this manipulative behavior can shed some light on the situation and help to disassociate yourself from taking things too personally as well. Psychologists tell us that an attempt to gaslight typically revolves around a perceived need to control a relationship. Whether romantic, work-related, or part of the family dynamic, sometimes other people’s subconscious internal anxieties manifest in an outward need to control other people and situations. When addressing the situation head-on with the other person, recording the facts and feelings will help you to give clear, evidence-based examples which illustrate a pattern and will ideally foster empathy as you will be able to express your associated feelings as well.

Although confronting the gaslighter may bring up feelings of discomfort, not doing so can lead to longer term issues such as codependency in relationships and damage to one’s self-esteem.

We are not perfect, nor are others, but this realization does not mean that gaslighting patterns should go unchecked. If you are feeling that there may be an imbalanced power dynamic between you and someone in your life or if some of the aforementioned gaslighting signs sound all too familiar, begin the process of looking for patterns and evidence instead of allowing your self-esteem to take a hit. Now that you’ve identified what gaslighting is and how to manage it, following these simple steps you will be amazed at how easily you can turn the gaslight off once and for all.

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