A lot of my clients are what I fondly call “cycle-breakers”. These are individuals that come from a unique positioning in life of breaking the cycle of intergenerational trauma patterns that no longer serve them. These are brave souls who didn’t choose this role but follow their path, because to do otherwise would feel deeply unaligned with their conscious and overall well-being.
What is intergenerational trauma?
Intergenerational (or transgenerational) trauma is defined as “trauma that gets passed down from those who directly experience an incident to subsequent generations”. Intergenerational trauma may have been first experienced on an individual level or a collective level, such as the larger community, cultural, racial, ethnic, or other groups/populations. As these entities begin living from their trauma and create future generations, they begin the cycle of shaping how their family members understand, cope with, and process trauma – big or small.
Parents’ role in intergenerational trauma
Breaking the cycle of intergenerational trauma requires an understanding of a family’s attachment patterns. As the child’s primary source of connection and bonding, parents play a significant role in modeling core beliefs, habit behaviors, and coping mechanisms to their children. However, parents that come from the intergenerational trauma legacy may find it difficult to create a healthy emotional attachment or connection with their children if that is something they lacked from their own parents. Instead, they may use physical punishment, criticism, emotional neglect, dismissal of emotion, or gaslighting to inadvertently condition their children to the “norm” of the family system. And thus, the unconscious conditioning cycle continues, from one generation to next.
Breaking the cycle of intergenerational trauma: What does it mean to be a cycle-breaker?
Many of my “cycle breaker” clients share that they have always viewed themselves as different from their family. They may have been labeled as the “black sheep” or “highly sensitive” or just felt uncomfortable with the way they were treated or emotionally disregarded. They may describe themselves as having low self-esteem, being perfectionistic, critical towards themselves, and having a hard time emotionally connecting with others. Oftentimes they find themselves in codependent relationships or exhibit people-pleasing behaviors due to associating their value by what others think of them.
Cycle-breakers might describe their parents as having narcissistic characteristics or may have come from a culture where collectivism is valued over individualism. Most did not realize this family dynamic until adulthood, when they were able to separate themselves and possibly be exposed to healthier family systems or enter relationships with a partner that helped them highlight the dysfunctional behaviors/interactions within their family.
Becoming “awakened” to the zoomed out lens of one’s family usually leads to many colliding feelings, such as guilt, anger, sadness, and frustration. It becomes an inner conflict of systemic loyalty versus wanting to create space to be their own being. It can be very challenging, and at the same time very liberating, to become more consciously aware and make different choices than ones made within the family for generations.
Breaking the Cycle of Intergenerational trauma: Where the real work is
In our work together, we uncover various factors that supports the “awakening” process for the cycle-breaker:
- Looking at the family systems and intergenerational trauma that might have played a role in how they were parented (i.e. Past generations spanked for misbehavior, hence this is what they experienced from their parents)
- Identifying the conditioning unique to their family system that they are automatically acting out (i.e. “In our family, we strive to be perfect to the world; imperfections are not acceptable”)
- Connecting to who they are without that conditioning – what they want, what they need, how they feel. (i.e. Pretending to be perfect does not feel right; I want to acknowledge my flaws and learn from them. I want to be able to make mistakes and want to hide from shame or be criticized for not being perfect)
- Learning how to recognize self-gaslighting thoughts and how they think about themselves (i.e. “My parents always told me I am too sensitive, but I am seeing that I was in tune with my emotions and was not comfortable)
- Identifying ways to establish boundaries in family systems where there are none (i.e. Limiting contact or communicating clearly what behavior would be accepted. Saying no when you feel no, and yes when you feel yes)
- Processing and working through feelings that come up regarding being in this type of family system, including coping with the realization that the family members within the system may not change (i.e. I am sad that my parent(s) may never meet my emotional needs, but I have learned other ways to get them met. I can grieve the loss of what I never had as a child and the realization that that time is gone)
- Continuing to assess internal conflict as it comes up based on communication and interaction with the family (i.e. A family gathering is coming up and I must develop a strategy for how to approach it)
- The gift of breaking the cycle of intergenerational trauma and exploring what you want your new family legacy to be.
Being a “cycle-breaker” is the toughest position to hold within the family due to the feeling of separation and isolation that might come with it. However, this role also holds an incredible gift of breaking the cycle of intergenerational trauma within the family to begin a new cycle of awareness, consciousness, and the ability to create healthy emotional connections in the future generations.
A cycle-creator. It is a very empowering position, one that yields high rewards in the future once the important work is put in. I welcome you to be a cycle-breaker and cycle-creator. If you feel like this is your struggle and at the same time your calling, feel free to reach out and schedule a session with me. I look forward to working with you!
Trauma and Narcissistic Abuse Specialist
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