Connecting to ourselves

 

Codependency originated to describe a person’s dependence on addictive behaviors of another family member usually by caring for and rescuing the other person. Today it is more broadly associated with the behaviors of someone whose sense of self comes from another person or thing outside of themselves.

Focusing on the needs of others at the expense of our own, creates a cycle of feeling depleted and oftentimes stuck in relationships that invalidate our own needs, and so we learn to invalidate them ourselves. Losing touch with ourselves we start living like robots, and in the society in which we function in today, the instant gratification culture, and the media overload, the traffic, the demands, the stress, can all add up to feeling depleted. Of course, this can then result in creating other mechanisms for coping, some healthy, some, no so much.

Here are some tips to reestablish a connection to the self :

Ask yourself: What do I really want?

This can range from what do I want for dinner to what do I want from life, however the point is to answer the question from within and not from a menu of choices. This may also be achieved through the stillness and silence of meditation or mindfulness techniques.

Being with oneself; What do I feel when I am alone?

There are times when we stay in a relationship that does not meet us on our emotional level, due to fear of being alone. So the next time you find yourself in solitude, explore that space for a few minutes and see what it feels like to not be defined by another; to feel what it is like to not be defined by a role or fulfilling someone’s needs. This can apply to the few minutes you may have while driving alone, or an actual space in time in which you are actually alone, or not in a current relationship, or between relationships,  or all of the other flavors of our attachment varieties.

Does my sense of worth come from someone else’s happiness, or approval of my accomplishments or does it come from my mere being.

The mere fact that I am alive, that I exist, that I am, period. Pause and breathe that in for a second, it can be transformative.