No Relationship Can Live on its own like a Cactus

Work and love are the two major pillars of our lives and the secret to thriving in both is nurturing our relationships and how we relate to each other. I am going to share some strategies that can help your relationships maintain vitality and to show you how this translates into business and life success

We are wired to connect and yet we are not taught how to be relational. Our base, our inner circle of people give us that energy to go out there everyday and crush it- to turn thoughts into things- because as entrepreneurs thats what we do! When we have strong support at home, it is much easier to overcome the though days and the ups and downs that inevitably occur with running a business. We also know that if a relationship is causing inner distress, several problems show up in our professional lives. We can over invest of ourselves in our work and possibly try to escape our relationship problems by staying in the office really late, or, alternatively the thinking about the problem can take over the attention that our business requires.

In my practice, my research and my life, I have begun to understand that we tend to go on autopilot when we start to feel too comfortable.

It is part of our human nature to enjoy attraction and obstacles – we like to seduce and convince others and win them over. In those moments we are clear, we are charming, we are paying full and focused attention. We are creative, playful and responding to the cues of the other. In other words, we make the other person feel radiant. This process tends to occur in the beginning of our romantic relationship and also in business relationships- only the intention, the outcome and the context differs but the way we show up is same- we are energized and engaged, we feel taller and fully awake.

It follows, naturally then, that once we feel like we don’t have to do too much to maintain that connection, that we relax a bit and maybe we start to take the other for granted- we stop being interested, we stop being curious and we stop looking at the otherness of the other.

Our minds convince us to do this because there is an inherent paradox to our human needs- this is the paradox of security versus risk taking – I am sure you see this as an entrepreneur, for me it is a constant, daily, fluctuation- I want to feel secure and stable and safe and also I know I have to take risks and to put myself on the line and that I have to be vulnerable. If you tend to seek novelty and have a high tolerance for the amount of risk that you can tolerate in your work,this high energy can get flat in your relationships at home, or with already established business relationships you have created.

Because we start to feel a sense of security in our marriage or relationship, we may stop cultivating intensity.

and we need both

We need both stability and predictability and at the same time we need adventure and some risk. Couples therapist, Esther Perel has been quoted in saying that at best our partner is on lease with an option to renew- that no one owes us anything, that the relationship is not a given that in fact, we can be quite replaceable, and that nothing is guaranteed. This requires intentional attention and no relationship can just live on its own, like a cactus.

Ok- so what should we be doing:

First, think about your marriage or relationship goals and about your business relationship goals; we have goals for almost every area of our lives- our fitness or body goals, our finances, our businesses, apart from what is arguably the most important aspect of our lives – our relationships.

Regular meetings about the relationship can be very helpful- check-ins such as – how are we doing as a couple or in the realm of business- how are we doing as business partners, what are our strengths, what is working, what can we do better, what has changed for us in the last year- what are the needs of our business or marriage? This allows the relationship to redefine itself- to re-structure- it allows for flexibility, fluidity, reinvention and innovation- because people and businesses change and we are not the same people with the same needs and ideas that we were 5-10, 30 years ago, and neither are any of our relationships- this also allows for focus on the system and not the individual.

In any relationship, there is you, me, and third entity us- a check in, such as the one I am suggesting allows both parties to focus on the us- the umbrella under which “I” exist.

As a therapist, in sessions with my clients, I often ask- what can I do better as your therapist, how am I taking care of you, what do you need from me that I am not providing, how can I be better for you?

Imagine asking the people in your life these questions—besides building a genuine connection, you are also asking people for their opinion- which brings me to my next tip:

In relationships with our spouses, our business partners, our co-founders, our clients, our friends what matters most is reciprocity- when someone sees that you are interested in them and their opinion- they viscerally become more interested in you-

people like people who like them –

So it is in relational mindfulness; less about what you say or how you feel and more about how you make other people feel in your presence. This is about quality of presence, of importance given to the other.

This is about taking ownership- the ability to take responsibility and communicate that while I hold myself in a high regard, I know that I am still a flawed human person and I am not striving for perfection- but I can always grow and I can always learn – this is the kind of showing up in any relational context- whether business or personal, that allows you and your partner to then brainstorm solutions- because now we no longer have to blame or use our defenses to be seen and heard.

3. Remain curious- don’t assume you know how the other person will respond- that rigidity in expectation of the other, creates no room for spontaneity for change for growth for the aliveness that is present in the other- the aliveness that is present in this moment- the idea that every moment and every day is brand new.

When was the last time you looked at your partner? We tend to take our closest people for granted- we think the we know them, that we know how they will respond, that we know everything that has already happened will happen again and again, that its a repetitive cycle. This takes the air our of the connection, and it really it takes the air our of life because then every moment has already been lived and there is no room for life to unfold.

Curiosity breeds creativity so we have to make the familiar new and fresh-
the people next to you are forever unknown, forever elusive, no matter how long they have been in your life.

In order to keep a level of aliveness in long term relationships or marriages, consider breaking the routine, to go into the office late on purpose or even spontaneously call out together. People feel free when they do what they want, they feel even more free when they are breaking the rules – this is a moment of throwing caution to the wind and being “irresponsible” for a bit- this is the risk taking that brings a sense of aliveness in the relationship- a carefree energetic charge.

Another strategy is to acknowledge your partner for what they are doing. Is there something you can be thankful for, a little note of acknowledgement, a little gratitude and appreciation?

This tells your person that – I see you, and I am thankful you are in my life- even more than that – I admire you for.. whatever that is for them— you are pointing out the otherness of the other- there is now a separation between you and them, and you see them – you are looking into them making them feel known- which I think is the basic essence of relating- the reason, relationships are so important- a sense that I am seen, that you see me, that I have meaning- that my existence and my life has meaning- and that you can reflect that back to me.

I find that when a partner apologizes for what they are not doing- for example- “I’m sorry I missed our son’s soccer game” it fosters a justification of it as opposed to an acknowledgement of the other. I teach people to take an alternative approach and say something like: “I am so grateful that I have you in my life and I could not do what I do without you. Our family, our lives and my work would not be what it is if it wasn’t for you- I depend on you and you are there for me – and I thank you for that”.

4. Learn to lean into conflict rather than avoid it-

Imagine if you avoided conflict in your business- you know that it would grow and unravel, and yet our personal relationship is also an alive and vital force that requires attention especially in times of conflict. Avoidance of it only creates distance, misunderstandings and an escalation of the problem. We may avoid a conversation all together and begin to foster resentment. Allow your partner the choice, the opportunity to show up in this moment by remaining curious and interested and make no assumptions. Your delivery is different from this angle- and they will pick up on this inevitably- maybe not at first, but if done consistently the other has no choice but to adapt.

5. Consciously invest in your relationship- be intentional- treat your partner like you would treat your clients- your presence is focused, charming, full of attention, you are responding to their cues, your phone is away, you are there fully with them and for those moments nothing else matters.

6. Know yourself- who are you?

What do you bring to this moment? Who shows up in your intimacy? Who shows up in your business meetings? This is an exercise in bringing yourself to a level of presence- being alert, awake, with energy in the body.

These ideas are similar across the board in both romantic and business relationships. Most people or couples come to therapy when they are already in a state of crisis. Some business owners make huge networking and marketing efforts when in dire need or feeling a deep sense of fear. What I am suggesting is that nurturing and cultivating both types of relationships, requires small, consistent, authentic and deliberate attention.

We thrive in connection and the relationship creates the people as much as the people create the relationship. We need a healthy relationship so that our lives have currency, meaning- to know and feel that we are valued, that I matter, that I am seen, that someone cares about me, that someone notices what I do- that I live in someone else as they go about their day and vice versa- that I live inside of them even when i’m not there.

Relationships are the most powerful antidote to feeling alone.

To sum up I’d like to review some basic elements of a successful relationship:

The first is checking in – how are we doing as a couple, how are we doing as parents, as a family you can involve the children, how are doing as business partners – what is working and what is not.

Second- taking ownership – this is asking yourself: how do I affirm, every day that my relationship is important to me and how am I reinvigorating it.

Third- remain curious and interested- the same energy that you would bring to a potential client, is what your spouse needs as well- and this can be in the form of a loving gaze, a loving small acknowledgement- but it is intentional and it is present and felt.

Fourth element – is one of mutuality and reciprocity- that we have each others back and I know you look out for me and I look out for you. I know that you will be kind to me and you will come my way when I need you and that I will do the same for you.

Fifth element is about respect and admiration- an acknowledgement of the other, of what is unique and specific about them – almost an idealization of them – of what I look up to in you and what I admire in you.

Of course these elements are all intertwined and one flows into the other pretty naturally, once we start down this relational mindfulness path.

As a couples therapist, I have to come to see myself as a facilitator of connection and what I have learned from my networking and business endeavors is that the ability to connect as a fully living and vulnerable person allows me to feel more energized, supported and connected to the other person and I know that they in turn will respond.

This is a complex science of human interaction, and what I am learning is that intimacy is not something you have, it is something you do-it is a minute by minute practice. I hope that these tips were helpful to you and I invite you to engage in a richer emotional presence and life with all of your relationships. If you see value in couples therapy or know someone who might please don’t hesitate to reach out for a 15 minute phone consultation.