Intentional Intimacy

How to Have Mindful Conversations With Your Partner After a Long Day 

Everyday, couples leave each other in the morning and then eventually return home fatigued after a long day. The way we greet each other and the experience of being present can get lost in the hustle that is today’s world as our attention is wanted everywhere all the time and it can get exhausting. Many times the people that are most important to us get the left over bits and pieces of what is left, which sometimes is non-existent. 

It would be a pleasant change to slow down, to pause, to greet each other and then to ask some mindful questions where perhaps some vibrant and nuanced experiences can be shared with each other, creating a path for deeper, more meaningful connection. 

Step 1

Begin the practice of a short meditation before entering your home in your transition from office whether that is a home office, taking care of the children’s needs or coming home from the office or a business trip. 

When we are quiet we can more readily notice our rapidly changing stream of experience. A vibration, pulsing, pressure, heat, light, tastes images and sounds.

Our persistent emotional and mental reactivity is like a waterfall, because we are so easily carried away from the experience of the present moment by its compelling force. Take a few minutes to observe and watch your internal experience while you transition between worlds (work, personal). 

I have also made a list of do’s and don’t and my wish is to give a fresher model in relating to your loved ones that feels alive and not redundant where you both check out.

What not to ask: 

• When will you do the dishes?
• Isn’t it your turn to put the kids to bed?
• You still haven’t talked to your boss about that?
• What have you been doing all day?
• Did you forget to pick up the milk?

Instead, try this: 

• Is there anything I can do to make you feel more comfortable and loved?
• Is there anything I have done in the past week that may have unknowingly hurt you?
• When you come home from work is there anything I can do or say that will make you feel most loved?
• Do you think you’ll need more closeness or alone time over the next couple of days?
• Can I make your day easier in 5 minutes?
• When did you feel appreciated today?
• What made you laugh today?
• What did you do to take care of yourself today?
• Did you surprise yourself today? 

The benefits- 

This kind of exchange can be exhilarating and tremendously rewarding to both as you are liberating yourselves from the mundane, the taken for granted moments of familiarity that are the killjoy of actually living. 

The challenge- 

Sometimes when we try on new ways of being with each other it can feel uncomfortable and “not me”, however, remaining stuck in habitual patterns can also feel frustrating and just as intolerable as the vulnerability of trying something new, something unknown. 

Familiarity can feel safe, however is extremely limiting. The reality is that change is inevitable; we change all the time, our roles change, our mind’s change, hopefully we are growing and evolving and that is change. Let your relational experience be similarity alive and although, at first, uncomfortable, courage and resolve will change fundamental patterns.

 

Please let me know if you’ve tried these tips and how they worked for you. If you think that I can be of some help, please let me know! Working with me

Andrea